Saturday Night Live/Cameron Diaz/Green Day
From The TV IV
- The Papal Debate: Journalist Tim Russert (Hammond) moderates the first of several debates between potential papal successors, which includes Reverend Al Sharpton (Thompson), Cardinal Riccio (Forte), Cardinal Urbino (Hyms), Cardinal Rinaldi (Parnell) and Cardinal Dejakamo (Armisen) who has a translator (Meyers) along with him. Sharpton explains that even though everything about him runs completely contrary to Catholic doctrine, he believes that he's the only one telling the truth and uses a long string of rhyme to explain why he's right for the job, but it goes over the elderly Cardinals' heads. Dejakamo, a 217 year old man, is asked if his age is preventative and if his repeated bids for pope just make him a "perennial candidate." Dejakamo responds by flipping off both Russert and Sharpton. The question is flipped on Riccio, a 32 year old candidate who is questioned about whether or not he's got the experience. Riccio namedrops Pope Leo XIV, Dejakamo responds by saying that he worked with Leo XIV and Riccio is no Leo XIV. When he's caught stealing that line from a Vice Presidential debate in the 1980s, Dejakamo makes several more lude gestures and Russert calls the debate to a close.
- Cameron Diaz's Monologue: Diaz promotes her MTV series Trippin' and talks about partying with Buddhist monks while Dratch laughs uncomfortably behind her. Diaz asks her to come into the spotlight with her and tries to get Dratch to calm down by saying they're more alike than she might think because she was made fun of for being a dork in high school, even the picture she shows is of her as a cheerleader. Poehler and Rudolph come out and tell Diaz that they don't buy it and show off their embarrassing pictures. Fey shows a picture of her looking like a guy and walks off stage, saying "Case closed, my lovelies." Diaz says she got a nose job and straightened her hair in junior year and shows a "before" picture, proving that she is one of them.
- Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: Ty Pennington (Meyers) and his co-host Paige Hemmis (Poehler) call the Harris family (Parnell, Diaz) outside for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, but Donna Harris questions why the hosts, Paul DiMeo (Armisen) and Michael Moloney (Forte) are at their house since she's not sick or anything. Her husband says that, ideally this wasn't the way he wanted her to find out, but he got her test results in the mail and immediately sent them to Pennington. He doesn't tell her what's wrong and they go to Disneyworld while the crew works on their house. Later, Pennington talks about her having to use a wheelchair soon and that they're putting in a hall of handicapable bathrooms.
- TV Funhouse - Michael Jackson: With Jackson being investigated for child molestation, his attorney thinks that things could be going better. So, he suggests that Jackson needs to change his behavior by dating a woman. This idea makes him vomit uncontrollably, especially when he learns that they need to be women over 18. But, he has help, a scientist outfits him with glasses that make his date, Tara Reid look like Webster. Jack's brain overloads when Reid's breast pops out of her dress, forcing his friends to break out the real Webster to calm him down.
- The Barry Gibb Talk Show: Barry Gibb (Fallon) and his brother Robin (Timberlake) host a talk show featuring Gov. Bill Richardson (Sanz), Rep. Nancy Pelosi (Diaz) and conservative columnist Ann Coulter (Barrymore). Gibb starts starts with social security privatization, but he loses it when Pelosi calls him "Barry" instead of Mr. Gibb. He goes to Coulter next, but interrupts her to ask what's wrong with her face. She accuses him of liberal bias but he shoots back by saying he once gave a kangaroo a heart attack just by staring at it. Richardson, tells Gibb that he's a big fan and goes to see the Bee Gees whenever they tour New Mexico, something Gibb takes offense to since they haven't been to New Mexico in 12 years.
- The Holland Tunnel Hotel: The new manager of "Hotel" (Parnell) is trying to make the place a more hospitable place to stay, despite it actually being a cheap motel perused primarily by prostitutes. Benjamin (Sanz), the desk clerk, informs him that the people who stay there aren't worth comfort especially the man (Riggle) who just left that sells guns to drug dealers.
- Boulevard of Broken Dreams: Green Day song. He calls a staff meeting, including Simone (Diaz) the maid, Cornelius (Mitchell) the janitor and bellboy Mr. Boderite (Armisen). To impress the hotel review board, the manager decides to change the name of the hotel to "The Holland Tunnel Hotel," and tries to change the staff uniform attire away from looking like prostitutes and all four members admit to being prostitutes. The manager also suggests changing the sheets after every guest and removing the dead bodies from the rooms. Mr. Juice (Hammond), a representative of the board, bestows 1.5 stars on the hotel based on a speech given by Simone and bumps it to 4 when she and Cornelius offer to go upstairs with him.
- Weekend Update:
- They go live to the reception of Prince Charles' (Meyers) wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles (Armisen), which is still in swing. Charles is excited about being married, but their intimacy has been made illegal by parliament and a palace guard named Nigel (Riggle) has been assigned to keep them apart. Fey and Poehler try to let the two have a kiss, but decide that the sight needs to be prevented.
- Dratch briefly cameos as the punchline of a joke about women paying to have their sphincters bleached by cosmetic surgeons.
- Fey begins to tell a story about endangered tree frogs when Fallon appears to apologize for being late. Fey tales off in a huff, leaving Fallon and Poehler to awkward small talk until she comes back with a kid who is, presumably, Fallon's illegitimate son. She tells him not to take him to the VMAs again and he says that he hates Taxi, Fallon's recent movie. Fey says that they're all a little upset about him not being around and he takes their son Lorne away.
- Woo! The Musical: The "magic of Spring Break" meets musical theater in Woo! The Musical, which is about a girl (Diaz) going to Mexico to flash strangers. There are also vignettes about a girl (Dratch) having a one-night stand with a guy who was friends with the man who came to give her back her swimsuit bottoms (Riggle), two guys (Armisen and Forte) who were blackout drunk, Jervis DuBois (Thompson) wondering where all the black people are, and the girl from before hooking up with a guy from Texas (Sanz). Sherry (Rudolph) does the overture from the show with the rest of the cast members.
- Sofa Warehouse: Abbey Thomas (Diaz) decides to buy a couch for Sofa Warehouse and have it delivered the day she bought it. Enter two deliverymen (Thompson and Mitchell) who are on their last delivery for the day. They aren't happy to hear that Thomas' apartment is on the 6th floor of her building which doesn't have an elevator. They try to talk her out of getting the sofa with a story about how one of them left his wife because he was so comfortable in the sofa bed. The other makes up a story about the "sofa bed killer" on the spot, but she counters with a story about running over lazy sofa deliverymen with her car and having their manager send them on the delivery anyway, broken bones and all.
- Holiday: Green Day song.
- Spy Glass: Ian Gerrard (Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Poehler) host a celebrity tabloid show, although they spend most of their time making bad puns about Prince Charles' wedding, Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson and Zoe leaving sick messages on Hugh Grant's answering machine. They throw to Edwina Peppermint (Diaz) who does essentially the same schtick about Desperate Housewives and Reginold Hereford Eugene Shalitshire (Sanz), the British equivalent of Gene Shalit, who reviews a couple movies using puns.
- Boulevard of Broken Dreams, performed by Green Day: The first song performed by Green Day was "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," their hit second single from the 2005 rock opera American Idiot. The song, a reference to Sunset Boulevard and (more directly) a painting of James Dean by Gottfried Helnwein, is about the main character Jesus of Suburbia's depression and loneliness after the party stops.
- Holiday, performed by Green Day: Green Day's second performance was of "Holiday," also from American Idiot. The song was the band's third single from the album and is an anti-fascist anthem which accuses President George W. Bush of being fascist, although it doesn't come out and say his name directly.
"Live from New York, It's Saturday Night!"
- Seth Meyers as Cardinal Dejakamo's translator.