Saturday Night Live/Ashton Kutcher/Gwen Stefani

Ashton Kutcher/Gwen Stefani is the fifteenth episode of the thirtieth season of Saturday Night Live. It is the second appearance by host Ashton Kutcher and the first by Gwen Stefani as a solo artist (third, counting appearances with No Doubt).

Guest Stars: Ashton Kutcher (Host), Gwen Stefani (Musical Guest)

Special Guests: Demi Moore (Herself), Eve (Herself)

Episode Breakdown

• Hardball - Anabolic Steroids: Chris Matthews (Hammond) questions on-air whether or not going after steroids abusers in baseball is really more worth the nation's time than Iraq, social security privatization or any of the many problems facing the nation. Matthews introduces suspected steroids users Jose Canseco (Sanz), Mark McGuire (Riggle) and Sammy Sosa (Kenan Thompson) as his panel for this topic. However, McGuire refuses to comment and Sosa uses an interpreter (Parnell) to talk. Matthews alleges that Canseco's book on steroid abuse may not be reliable, but he insists that even though he's almost broke and starved for attention, that doesn't mean he'd lie. McGuire still won't speak and Sosa tells him, in broken English, that he's lucky to be in America and he would never cheat. When he thinks the camera is off him, he loses the accent and bolts out of the scene. Former Senator and current "screaming idiot on FOX News" Zell Miller (Forte) weighs in with his opinion, which mainly consists of how he misses the days when ballplayers built their muscles by working in foundries and fighting in salloons before drinking whiskey and smoking opium. He also advocates reinstating separate baseball leagues for white and black players.
• Ashton Kutcher's Monologue: Kutcher talks about how much his life has changed since he met his girlfriend Demi Moore, who is many years his senior. He complains about how celebrity gossip rags are constantly talking about their age difference, but he tells the audience that she's the best thing to happen to him and says she's at the show tonight. The camera cuts to an old woman (Moore in make-up) and he bids her to come on stage, which takes some time because she has to use a walker. Kutcher and Moore talk about all of the things they do together despite their age difference, like eating dinner at 4PM and bungee jumping. Moore insults his intelligence but when he catches on, she distracts him by saying how handsome he is. They kiss and he accidentally pulls out her dentures. When he accidentally calls her "nanna," he decides to end the monologue before digging a deeper hole.
• me-Harmony.com: Several self-centered people (Sanz, Rudolph, Thompson and Riggle) complain about how other dating services don't return the quality person that they need. Terry McQuarren (Forte), founder of me-Harmony.com presents his alternative which only asks questions about them. All of the complainers are matched with someone exactly like them, except with different sexual organs. McQuarren also advertises he-Harmony, a similar service for gay men (Meyers).
• Oprah - House Fire: Oprah Winfrey (Rudolph) is continuing her series on human tragedy, beginning with the survivor of a fire which claimed her entire house and all of her belongings named Rhonda Rogan (Dratch). She tells her story, to much overacting by the audience, particularly one member (Poehler) and Oprah's solution is to bring out John Travolta (Hammond). Rogan starts to tell Travolta her story all over again, which he empathizes with because he was in Ladder 49. Travolta bursts into tears and sits in Oprah's lap. Oprah tells Rogan that she has another surprise for her, which just turns out to be another celebrity: Julia Roberts (Kutcher). Roberts tells Rogan that her segment is over and takes over the show by devolving it into tickling. Oprah decides to give everyone "Baby's First Blackberry" and Ladder 49 on DVD, which causes the excitable audience member to pass out.
• The Pushup Contest: Chad (Kutcher) completes 45 push-ups in his room and writes in his diary about how he'll prove to his coworkers that he's not the same guy who dropped a water jug two years before. The next day at work, his coworkers Stephanie (Poehler) and Diago (Sanz) tell the others (Dratch and Parnell) about how they spent St. Patrick's Day before he arrives. They pay little attention to Chad when he comes in, but he makes a commotion about an e-mail about pushup contests sweeping the area which is clearly just him making stuff up. Chad's attempt to start an impromptu contest fails completely, so he tries again by calling his mom in on it. Eventually they break down and humor him, but when they decide to give it a shot they also invite the water guy (Mitchell) in on it, much to the disappointment of Chad who thinks he's got the contest all wrapped up. After much stalling and the exclusion of the water guy, Diago starts and does 100. Stephanie goes second when Chad refuses and does 121. Another coworker goes for it and does 133. Even Mr. Quiss (Dratch) does 55. Chad tries to back out of it, but only does 17 and they make fun of him for the water incident. That night, he concocts a new plan: paddle ball.
• Federline: Kevin Federline (Kutcher) endorses a line of briefs bearing his name, which mainly consists of him saying "Federline, yo" over and over again until he's caught doing the commercial by his wife, Britney Spears, who doesn't want him doing anything.
• Gays in Space - Crash Landing on a Strange Planet: An alien (Rudolph), as always, introduces the new Gays in Space episode in which the gay spacemen crash land on a planet. Billiam (Armisen) blames their crash on a black hole, which Givindy (Thompson) takes offense to. Thad (Parnell) tells them that they're near some tired rock formation, which makes them all argue until Captain Timothy (Kutcher) tells them to stop so he can "regroup." After taking stock of their broken equipment, they're met by the native species of "Alpha Hunktori," burly construction workers. Chuck (Meyers) and his friend (Riggle) offer their ranch house for them to stay in while their ship is being fixed. Chuck discloses that the heat forces them to parade around naked during the day and sleep in a nudity pile at night, which makes their decision simple.
• Rich Girl: Gwen Stefani song.
• Weekend Update
  • Consumer Advocate Henry Payne (Thompson) stars in the first installment of "Help Me Henry," an advocacy segment which aims to help people cheated by bad businesses. Payne went down to an electronics store which sold Beverly Walton a bad television set. The clerk (Kutcher) tries to throw him out of the store, so Payne beats him with a baseball bat.
  • Parnell does a rap about his attraction to Demi Moore, but it takes a turn into being completely about how attractive Kutcher is even though he repeatedly insists that he's not gay. The second verse takes a further, even more explicit turn which ends with Fey and Poehler joining in on the chorus.
• Guest Preacher: Willie (Mitchell) informs a Southern Baptist congregation that their regular pastor is not going to be able to hold a service because he's at a convention in Orlando, FL. He introduces the guest preacher, a white guy named Brian McKay (Kutcher). Deacon Brown (Thompson) thinks that McKay is the government come to arrest him on something he and Willie did years ago, but quiets up when he's corrected. McKay is met with more opposition from Sister Ophelia (Rudolph) who doesn't think he looks or sounds like a preacher should. In fact, McKay comes from a Unitarian church. He starts trying to read a passage which involves Abraham having a child by a slave, but Willie intercepts him and walks him through a more charismatic service which involves lots of yelling and dancing around. He gets hyped up and jumps through a window, but when he survives they decide to take the collection based on that feat alone.
• Action News 13: Darren Stark (Kutcher) is the new co-anchor of a news broadcast alongside Busy Martinez (Poehler) and he's spent most of this first broadcast flirting with his co-anchor. Sportscaster Herc Mandelbrak (Sanz) plays along with them but, meteorologist Barry Shirtsworth (Meyers) calls them on it. He decides not to do the forecast because he's sick of being the punching bag for the anchors and people who call up whenever he makes a bad prediction. After more jabs by Barry, Darren takes off after him and chases him around the studio. Herc tries to do his sports bloopers, but the fight ruins them. They end the newscast after Darren catches up with Barry and beats him senseless.
• Hollaback Girl: Gwen Stefani song.
• Nebulzitol: Larry (Forte) comes home with flowers for his wife (Poehler), but when he leaves the room to get them in water, she tells the camera about how hard it was for them to cope with him being diagnosed with March Madness. She talks about how their relationship was in chaos until Nebulzitol changed his brain chemistry without him knowing since it comes looking like a bag of chips.

Notes

Music

• Rich Girl, performed by Gwen Stefani & Eve: The first song performed by Gwen Stefani was of "Rich Girl," the last song off her debut solo album Love. Angel. Music. Baby. The song was written by Stefani with Eve (who appears alongside her for the performance) and Dr. Dre and is about Stefani, a poor girl from Orange County, dreaming of fame and success as a kid.

• Hollaback Girl, performed by Gwen Stefani: Stefani's second performance in the show was of "Hollaback Girl," the third single from her debut album. The song was written with Pharrell Williams as a response to Courtney Love dismissing Stefani as nothing but a cheerleader. The song was Stefani's biggest hit and peaked in the top ten of most singles charts.

"Live from New York, It's Saturday Night!"

• Darrell Hammond as Chris Matthews.