King of the Hill/The Witches of East Arlen

The Witches of East Arlen
Season 7, Episode 23
Airdate	May 18, 2003
Production Number	7ABE20
Written by	Sivert Glarum & Michael Jamin
Directed by	Matt Engstrom
← 7x22 Maid in Arlen	8x01 → Patch Boomhauer
King of the Hill — Season Seven

The Witches of East Arlen is the twenty-third episode of the seventh season of King of the Hill, and the one hundred forty-ninth episode overall.

Starring: Mike Judge (Hank Hill, Dooley), Kathy Najimy (Peggy Hill), Pamela S. Adlon (Bobby Hill, Little Boy), Brittany Murphy (credit only), Johnny Hardwick (Dale Gribble, Punk Kid)

and Stephen Root (Bill Dauterive, Market Seller)

Special Guest Voice: David Cross (Ward Rackley)

Special Guest Voice: John Ritter (Eugene Grandy)

Also Starring: Dennis Burkley (Principal Moss), Ashley Gardner (Ward's Mother), Ernie Grunwald (Ken Hayashi, Mitchell Jefferson, Cashier), David Herman (Ward's Boss, Dusty, Announcer), Jonathan Joss (John Redcorn), Breckin Meyer (Noram Woodbender, Vaughn)

Plot Overview

Feeling the need to find his thing, Bobby falls in with a bunch of young men practising witchcraft, much to Hank's horror.

Notes

Stinger Quote

Bobby: Resplendent.

Seen, But Not Heard

• Nancy Gribble

Music

• Rush - "The Trees"

• Foreigner - "Double Vision"

Arc Advancement

Characters

• Bill confirms he's still dating Laoma.

• It's established that John Redcorn has a band called Big Mountain Fudge Cake.

Trivia

Allusions and References

• The title is a play on the 1987 film The Witches of Eastwick.

Quotes

• Peggy: Our boy is just sulking in bed in his pyjamas and a cowboy hat!

Hank: You know, if you ask me, there might be a silver lining to him not being a dancing cowboy.

• Bobby: Now focus all your energy on this card and it will foretell your future. The ten of swords. It means advantage, profit, success.

Bill: Well, hey, that's great. Things have been going pretty well for me, you know, with my girlfriend, Laoma, and...

Bobby: Oh, wait, it's upside down. That means something. Pain, affliction, tears, sadness, desolation.

• Ward: Listen, young friend, do not let anyone see this address. Arrive exactly at the stroke of four.

Boss: Ward!

Ward: And bring some potato chips.

Boss: Today, Merlin!

• Hank: Damn it, Dale, you got to stop painting your house number on my curb.

Dale: Sorry, Hank, but I got to lay low for a while. You have no idea how far the jackals at the Franklin Mint will go to collect a debt.

• Announcer: Fumble, Joseph Gribble.

Dale: As much as I hate seeing my boy play badly, I do enjoy hearing his name over the loudspeaker.

• Bobby: It's all here in the book I bought.

Hank: Forty-five dollars?! The family Bible costs less than that and it was written by Jesus.

• Hank: Now we're not going to tell your mother about this. I know she shields me from a lot of the things you do and, well, I'm gonna return the favour on this one.

• Ward: Our kind have always been persecuted by those who understand not. From the Salem trials of the 1600s to the locker room beatings and bathroom swirlies of today.

• Ward: Bobby, the mark of Merlin is upon you. When you have completed your training, you will be a White Wizard!

Bobby: Really? Wow! What do I have to do? When can I start?

Ward: Your training begins now. You can start by refilling my root beer.

• Peggy: Hank, I may be a mother, but I am still a woman and I know a girl repellent when I see it. I want grandchildren! Will you fix this?!

• Hank: Uh, Mister Rackley?

Ward: Yes.

Hank: Yeah, I'd like to have a word with you about your son, Ward. You see, he and my boy, Bobby, are playmates--

Ward: Excuse me, but I'm Ward Rackley.

Hank: You're Ward Rackley?

Ward: It's one of my many monikers, yes. I'm also known as Madelgar of the North Woods and in certain company, Austin Osman Starklarvatard.

Hank: How old are you? 30? 40?

Ward: Uh, not even close. I am 5,000.

Hank: Don't you have some friends your own age? Someone to drink with, maybe a girlfriend?

Ward: And waste my seed on a common harlot? Not likely. When the time is right, a maiden will be delivered up to me. Probably from the east.

Hank: (sighs) Some of this isn't your fault. I mean, a man can only take so many wedgies before he goes to pieces. Good luck to you, buddy. And stay away from my son or I'll kick your ass.

• Bobby: But, dad, the Dark Arts are nothing to be afraid of.

Hank: I'm not afraid of that garbage. I'm afraid of you getting your ass kicked every day for the rest of your life because you found a new way to act like a nerd.

Bobby: Ward said you wouldn't understand.

Hank: Bobby, you don't need a crystal ball to see Ward's future. He's going to live with his mother until she dies and maybe for a few weeks after.

• John Redcorn: Hank, there's something that I think you should know. Something very personal and disturbing.

Dale: Sounds like we should leave.

(the guys proceed to stand there)

• Hank: I'm looking for a bunch of warlocks.

Punk Kid: Warlocks?

Hank: You know, nerds in capes and stuff.

Punk Kid: Oh, yeah. We kicked them out about an hour ago. The tall guy geektard. I cast a spell on his ass with my foot.

• Bobby: I mean, to tell you the truth, those guys are a little pathetic. Can you believe Ward was wearing socks with his sandals?

Hank: Unbelievable.

Bobby: I guess I still need to find exactly what my thing is.

Hank: Well, that's okay, son. You've still got time. I didn't really find football till high school. And I was in my twenties when I found propane.

John Redcorn: What's wrong with wearing socks with sandals?