King of the Hill/Hank's Bad Hair Day

Hank's Bad Hair Day
Season 4, Episode 19
Airdate	April 9, 2000
Production Number	4ABE19
Written by	Jon Vitti
Directed by	Gary McCarver
← 4x18 Won't You Pimai Neighbor?	4x20 → Meet the Propaniacs
King of the Hill — Season Four

Hank's Bad Hair Day is the nineteenth episode of the fourth season of King of the Hill, and the seventy-ninth episode overall.

Starring: Mike Judge (Hank Hill, Boomhauer), Kathy Najimy (Peggy Hill), Pamela Segall Adlon (Bobby Hill), Brittany Murphy (credit only), Johnny Hardwick (Dale Gribble), Stephen Root (Bill Dauterive, Buck Strickland)

and Toby Huss (Cotton Hill, Joe Jack, Finance Officer, Cole Kitten)

Also Starring: Steven Barr (Captain), David Herman (Brigadier General, Student, Effeminiate Solider, Auctioneer)

Special Guest Voice: Brian Doyle Murray (Jack)

Plot Overview

When his barber shows obvious signs of cracking, Hank is forced to find a new one. Bill offers to take up the mantle, but it doesn't come without a hefty price.

Notes

Stinger Quote

Hank: Oh, God, I need a hairnet!

Seen, But Not Heard

• Enrique

Arc Advancement

Characters

• It's established that despite Bill's failings, he excels at cutting hair to the point where when he's told the barber unit is to be cut he attempts suicide.

Trivia

Allusions and References

• Bill remarks of Hank's hair being reminiscent of James MacArthur during the third season of Hawaii Five-O.

• The Captain tells Bill that the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy's "gotta work for something." "Don't ask, don't tell" was a policy passed by President Bill Clinton in 1994 as means of allowing gays in the military. While it was progressive at the time in that it didn't allow for any investigation into members' sexual orientation, it sill didn't allow applications or membership for openly gay. This called for repeals which succeeded under President Barack Obama in 2011, which allowed for gays to be open and permitted to serve.

Memorable Moments

• Hank sits down at Peggy's computer to write a letter and tries to turn it on by clicking the mouse, as if it's an on-switch.

Quotes

• Jack: So what'll it be? The Roger Staubach or the rookie Roger Staubach?

Hank: Well, the Strickland Propane Christmas card photo is coming up and it's important that my customers recognise me, so I think I'll just, uh, have the same haircut I've gotten every two weeks for the past 20 years.

Jack: Is that the Staubach or the rookie Staubach?

Hank: Uh, the Staubach.

Jack: I can't do that! I don't have a stapler! I mean the buzz, buzz - the thing you use. Takes off the hair.

• Dale: Here's a picture of you with normal hair mowing your lawn three months ago. And here is a download of you at the post office minutes ago. See the guy in the beard pointing and laughing at your head? That's me!

• Bill: Hey, Hank, what'd you do to your hair?

Hank: It's a nightmare, isn't it?

Bill: Oh my, yes. He feathered in the back where he usually tapers. I find it unsubtle, but it's a way to go. Used to see it more: Claude Akins, Ross Martin, Robert Stack, James MacArthur on the third season of Five-0.

• Cotton: (having cut Hank's hair) 45 seconds. New record.

Young Hank: I think you cut my ear.

Cotton: I think you cry more than the guy I killed out from under that helmet.

• Hank: So Jack had a bad day. Maybe somebody smooth-talked him out of his pension or something.

Bill: Oh, well, I guess that explains the feathering. Doesn't excuse it.

• Hank: Uh, Jack, this is tough to say. I'm not the kind of person who would ask for any special treatment and I still consider you a friend, but I'm not completely satisfied with my haircut. I'm going to have to ask you for a free touch-up.

Jack: You son of a bitch!

Hank: Slow down, Jack.

Jack: You tipped me two dollars.

Hank: That tip was a lie.

Jack: I'm sorry, Hank. It's been a tough few weeks. I'm just lucky everyone was wearing seat belts.

• Buck: Good God, Hank. You look like that fella killed the other fella.

• Jack: I'm getting out of the business. I can't stand dealing with the jackasses anymore. You were one of the good ones, Hank. But your kid's a jackass.

• Bill: Hello, Hank. I heard about Jack. I'm sorry.

Hank: How did you hear about Jack?

Bill: Well, it was on TV. You didn't see the high-speed chase?

• Bill: If there's anything I can help with and it looks like there is. Hank, I never cut civilian hair, but I've been looking at your head a long time.

Hank: Don't do this, Bill. Trust me, it's not easy being my barber.

Bill: I know that! You've got those big thick neck muscles that knot up when you're tense, leaving that deep, deep valley, and then the northern ridge runs almost transverse to the crown. Worry about those too much and you hit that scar over your left ear. Seems like there's a story there, but you never shared it with me, but that's okay, 'cause you might think I'm a gossip, and I probably am, but how the hell would you know if I'm not a bad barber?!

Peggy: He's the same way with me.

Bill: You're an amateur, Peggy! Jack was a legend, Hank, but when I come over to my best friend's house and I see this, you're calling me an idiot! (throws phone book)

Hank: I want my old life back.

• Lieutenant: I wish this bill were a mistake, Mister Hill, but that is how much it costs the Army to give someone a haircut. We pay $80,000 for each military-grade barber chair. The French make a barber chair that costs $110,000. It's a damn good chair, but I'm not gonna spend $110,000 for a barber chair.

Hank: Wasting all that money is like buying a haircut for Saddam Hussein. And I hate Saddam Hussein! I like his haircut, but that's it.

Lieutenant: Look, I know the chair's too much at $80,000, but then they give us a B-2 bomber for 1.3 billion. That's where we make it up. (beat) Well, you try getting a B-2 bomber for 1.3 billion. You can't do it.

• Dale: Even Bill Clinton only spends $300 on his haircuts and for that he gets the haircut plus a high-colonic administered by Barbra Streisand.

Bill: Well, I guess I should've offered.

• Bill: Hank, you can't fight the Army without declaring war.

Dale: Maybe if you had the Marines on your side.

Bill: Mm-hmm, they're better than us.

• Peggy: Hank, there's something here. It's - It's from the army.

Dale: Incoming!

• Hank: (reading reply from his congressman) "Representative Jim Powell thinks your problem and flag-burning are among the biggest problems facing America today. That's why Jim Powell has introduced House Resolution number 11461. It would ban flag-burning in all..." Aw, he never even read it. I'd go see him in person, but no self-respecting bus company would let me on with hair like this.

• Bill: Half of a half of a percent.

Hank: What?

Bill: That's what you tipped me! Two dollars on a $9,000 haircut is less than half of a half of a percent.

• Hank: Oh, God, I need a hairnet!

• Bill: Yeah, I hear they're wearing it short in Guantanamo this summer. It's the Ricky Martin influence.

• Captain: Sergeant, I have bad news. The base is disbanding the barber unit. They think we're inefficient. A petition to reinstate has been filed, but that could take twenty years. I'm sorry. Report for reassignment in the morning.

(Bill attempts to drink disinfectant solution)

Captain: Don't do it, son.

Bill: I got no place else to go.

• Dale: You eliminated Bill! Bill-iminator!

Hank: What?

Dale: The army shut down the Sergeant Barbers. Now Bill has no purpose in the army either!

Hank: Oh, no. Is Bill all right?

Dale: I didn't ask. I came straight here so I could see your face when you found out what you did. Is that real crystal? Hey, look, you can make a prism.

• Hank: Bill, you're an artist. You do things with hair that I've only seen other people do with wood.

• Bill: Hey, didn't I already give you a pen?

Student: Yeah, you already gave me a pen. What are you going to do about it?

Bill: I can't leave my booth.

• Hank: I'm out of the Strickland Propane Christmas card.

Peggy: Because of your hair? But Christmas is eight months away.

Hank: Well, Mister Strickland wanted an elf in the picture and the Arlen midget spends his winters in Florida. Damn it! Customers'll think I don't wish them a merry Christmas. Hector wouldn't wear the antlers five years ago and his sales have never recovered.

• Peggy: Oh, wait, and Dale has something he wants to tell you. Um, okay, they're auctioning off Bill's old barber equipment today and he's absolutely heartbroken and, oh, and it's all your fault. Try and look surprised.

• Captain: Okay, who here knows how to cut hair?

Effeminate Solider: Don't answer. It's a trick!

• Bill: I'll be honest. I get $20 if I sign you up. I'll give you half of it.

• Captain: Dauterive, your records have been doctored to show you as a master electrician with a security clearance for pinball repair. But your actual mission is to stand at this privately-donated chair - which does not exist, do you understand me? - and do the only thing you're good at.

Bill: But sir, what... what if somebody sees?

Captain: Don't ask, don't tell. That policy's gotta work for something.