King of the Hill/'Twas the Nut Before Christmas

'Twas the Nut Before Christmas
Season 5, Episode 8
Airdate	December 17, 2000
Production Number	5ABE08
Written by	John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky
Directed by	Jeff Myers
← 5x07 What Makes Bobby Run?	5x09 → Chasing Bobby
King of the Hill — Season Five

'Twas the Nut Before Christmas is the eighth episode of the fifth season of King of the Hill, and the ninety-second episode overall.

Starring: Mike Judge (Hank Hill), Kathy Najimy (Peggy Hill, Marilyn's Son), Pamela Segall Adlon (Bobby Hill), Brittany Murphy (Luanne Platter), Johnny Hardwick (Dale Gribble, Officer)

and Stephen Root (Bill Dauterive, Arlen Midget)

Also Starring: David Herman (Postal Worker), Kathryn Harrold (Marilyn), Breckin Meyer (Joseph Gribble), Lauren Tom (Connie Souphanousinphone)

Special Guest Voice: Ryan Phillippe (Wally)

Plot Overview

Bill's annual depression is replaced with the Christmas spirit when he plays Santa for the neighbourhood. However, when he carries it too long, the children stop coming around, leaving Bill desperate to play father figure for a teen who takes advantage of him.

Notes

Stinger Quote

Dale: Valet of the Dales is not responsible for last or stolen articles.

Seen, But Not Heard

• Boomhauer

Arc Advancement

Referbacks

• The Arlen midget Bill says came with the bounce house is the one employed for the Strickland Propane Christmas card in "Hank's Bad Hair Day".

Trivia

The Show

• Dale calls out to Octavio. However, we neither see or hear him.

Quotes

• Hank: Now, I've cleared a space 12 by 8 by 14 to hide Bobby's Christmas present. So when we're at the store, keep an eye out for a gift that size.

• Dale: Last Christmas, I hid Joseph's gift so well, I still haven't found it. Cutest little puppy. Or should I say dog?

• Hank: How about you, Bill? You'd make a great Santa. And that's not a fat joke.

• Hank: Bill's great with kids. It's adults and holidays he seems to have a problem with.

• Peggy: Rented snow machines, all these lights. Well, it's like a carnival. I wonder how Jesus feels about this?

Hank: It's Christmas and Bill's happy? I'll tell you how Jesus feels. Great.

• Hank: Sorry, Bobby. It's rated TV-14. The last time I checked, you were still 13.

Bobby: Aw, come on, dad. I tell you what. I'll just close my eyes when things get too... colourful.

Hank: Nice try, mister, but I've seen the way you watch TV. You never blink.

• Bobby: It won't feel like Christmas Day if we miss The Little Drummer Boy.

Hank: I'm doing the best I can, and - Wait a minute, you're being sarcastic. You don't have any interest in seeing that little boy play his heart out, do you?

Bobby: Nope.

• Dale: Valet parking is five dollars. Valet of the Dales is not responsible for lost or stolen articles.

Hank: Dale, I'm just going to park in my driveway.

Dale: That lot's full, but Bill says I can put overflow parking poolside at Luanne's house. Octavio! La bamba le automobilo! No scratcho, comprende?

• Hank: Looks like it's gonna be a great new year. Notre Dame lost, Bill had a great Christmas and now he's taking down his decorations instead of trying to hang himself with them.

Dale: Looks like he hired professionals or very dedicated amateurs.

• Dale: (seeing Bill's expansive Christmas decor in Janurary) They start the Christmas season earlier and earlier each year.

• Bill: Hank, there'll be plenty of time for these kids to be beaten down by life, but if I can help bring a little extra joy and love into their worlds now, shouldn't I?

Dale: Why do you hate love, Hank?

• Joseph: Well, so much for my New Year's resolution.

Bobby: Who says a moustache has to go across the whole lip?

• Bill: Ho, ho, ho! Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

• Hank: Bill, why don't you take Marilyn out someplace nice for Valentine's Day? Women like Valentine's Day. They find it romantic.

Bill: Marilyn's gone.

Hank: Of course she is.

• Dale: You could make a Japanese rock garden where that tyre mark is. I know a Japanese guy who might have some rocks.

• Bill: We were just at the grocery store and Wally did the cutest thing.

Dale: What'd he do? Did he ride a unicycle? Did he juggle?

Hank: Did he find an adorable way to peel out on my lawn?

• Bobby: Hey, dad! I like beer!

• Hank: Dang it, Bill! Some of us are trying to raise kids in this neighbourhood. Good kids, the kind that don't try to kill their parents in their sleep. Kids like Bobby.

Bill: Wally would never kill me. He told me so. And that kind of communication is very important in a father-son style relationship.

• Wally: Wow. You really are like my dad.

Bill: Really?

Wally: Yeah. He never had faith in me, either. But at least he had a motorcycle.

• Bill: Wally left last night! And it's all your fault. You broke my family.

Hank: Wally was not your family. My God, I've thrown out propane tanks that would make a better son than Wally.

• Peggy: Oh, poor Bill. He probably shouldn't be alone. But he will be.

• Dale: Wait, I've got it! Bill wants to have a child. And Hank's urethra is too narrow to have another child. Ergo, Bill should inseminate Peggy. Everybody's happy. (Hank punches Dale in the arm) Ow! Didn't hurt. (Dale walks out of the shot, rubbing his arm) Nancy!

• Bill: Oh, Hank, please. You were right. I-I-I don't know how to be a father. All the books about it are by comedians and I never know when they're kidding and when they're serious.

• Bill: Hank, what should I do?

Hank: Well, I'd lock him up for what we know he did and then toss on a few extra years for what he probably did.

• Officer: Parenting's tough. Try having my job with a kid in jail. That gets weird.

• Bill: You may not be happy with me now, soldier, but you'll thank me someday.

Wally: For what? For making me a jarhead?

Bill: No, for convincing the judge that the army is a better place for you than prison. Oh, and you're not a jarhead. That's the Marine Corps. You're a grunt!