Top Gear/Season 8 Episode 8

Season 8 Episode 8
Season 8, Episode 8
Airdate	July 30, 2006
Written by
Directed by	Brian Klein
← 8x07 Season 8 Episode 7	9x01 → Season 9 Episode 1
Top Gear — Season Eight

Episode Eight of the eighth season of Top Gear, and is episode seventy-four overall.

Guest Stars: Jensen Button, Ray Winstone

Information

Renault Master, Ford Transit, Volkswagen Transporter Sportline

322,000 vans were sold in Britain last year; twice as many as the best selling car. With that many vans out on the road, and the boys never covering the subject of vans, the producers gave them a van test by making them roadies for The Who. Before they set out, each host had to choose a van. James May chose a Renault Master, which is very large and, in his mind, stylish and good-looking. Richard Hammond chose a Ford Transit, which has been the king of vans for over 41 years. Jeremy Clarkson chose a Volkswagen Transporter Sportline, which isn't very big and is quite expensive but it can do 120 mph.

Hammond and Clarkson made it on time to Hyde Park, but discover May would rather be hosting the Surrey Motor Show than hang out backstage with The Who. They decide to find out what they'll be transporting 90 miles to the next location. Clarkson discovers he'll be transporting Pete Townshend's guitars, which cost 3,000 GBP (about 5,600 USD) each, and there are 70 of them for 210,000 GBP (about 392,000 USD) worth of guitars. In addition to the guitars, Clarkson has to transport Townshend's amps. Hammond is reponsible for transporting Zak Starkey's 12,000 GBP (about 22,400 USD) drum kit. May will be reponsible for the keyboards. It turns out that The Who travel with about one thousand flight cases of equipment, whereas the boys' vans can only handle the bulk of nine flight cases. Clarkson tries to talk Townshend into reducing the number of his guitars being transported, but he'll have none of it and threatens to hit Clarkson in the face with a mic stand. Instead, Townshend has the gear that can't be put in the boys' vans placed in the normal trailers. Just before The Who begin their show, May finally shows up from the Surrey Motor Show.

After the show, the boys (with a lot of help from the roadies) pack the gear up and into their vans. However, Clarkson discovers his van wheel has been clamped. Eventually it's sorted out and the boys set off on their 90 mile journey in the middle of the night. Clarkson fantasizes about fire axing his way into May's hotel room and giving him a hair cut while May hums to himself. Hammond is the only host concerned with reviewing his 18,600 GBP (34,700 USD) Ford Transit, the cheapest of the three vans. May is more enthralled with his Renault Master's airconditioning, semi-automatic transmission, satellite navigation, and CD player. Predictably, Clarkson was in love with the Volkswagen Transporter Sportline's speed. The boys stop for some tea at 2am and discuss some of the security features of their vans. May and Hammond's vans both have dead locks and other security features, while Clarkson realizes his VW Transporter Sportline is sorely lacking and decides to have his tea in the van. They eventually make it to the next venue just before dawn.

In the morning, the boys meet to reach a verdict on the vans. The VW Transporter Sportline was the fastest, the Renault Master the biggest, and the Ford Transit the cheapest. But the boys realize there isn't much else they can think of to say on the subject.

F1 Star in a Reasonably Priced Car

Jensen Button comes to the studio to take the Suzuki Liana out around the track. Jeremy Clarkson talks to Button about his facial hair, how difficult it must be for him to get women, and the reliability problems of Honda's RA106 F1 car. Clarkson reveals that Button bet him 20 GBP (about 37 USD) that he could make it around the test track faster than the Stig. Jensen Button races the Suzuki Liana around the test track in 1.44.7, .1 of a second slower than Nigel Mansell and .3 of a second slower than the Stig.

Rolls-Royce 101 EX

Richard Hammond and James May take a look at a grand touring coupé prototype from Rolls-Royce, the Rolls-Royce 101 EX. It has the same engine from the Rolls-Royce Phantom, a 6.75 L V12 engine that produces 450 bhp. The body is made of carbon fiber but with an aluminum hood. It's shorter and lighter than the Phantom, and it has two suicide doors to the Phantom's four normal doors. Inside, the interior is the usual Rolls-Royce fare, but the ceiling has pinpoint lights that simulate a starry sky. Jeremy Clarkson interjects, telling them that a Rolls-Royce can't have seven-spoke wheels, bright red brake calipers, and a glass hood ornament that is illuminated. He says the Rolls-Royce Phantom is brilliant, but if the Rolls-Royce 101 EX is ever put into production with all its bells and whistles it would have to be called the Rolls-Royce Vulgar Sonic.

Noble M15

Richard Hammond reviews the Noble M15. It has a new body, interior, and chassis. But it's still a Noble in that it's low, mid-engined, and fast. So fast that Hammond excitedly points out how the rev needle turns from blue to red when you near the rev limit. It's the most powerful Noble ever with 450 bhp courtesy of a twin-turbocharged V6. 0-60 takes 3.9 seconds and it has a top speed of 196 mph. Hammond remarks how the exterior has lost all its "boy racer" spoilers for a more restrained look. Turning to the interior, instead of racing harnesses and fire extinguishers you get airconditioning, satellite navigation and a trunk. The Noble M15 costs 75,000 GBP (about 140,000 USD), which puts it head-to-head with the Porsche 911. The M15's handling is absolutely superb with tons of grip, yet the ride is perfectly comfortable to use it as a daily driver. Hammond summarizes that Noble has made a brilliant car.

The Stig takes the Noble M15 around the test track in 1.22.5. It's faster than a Ferrari 430, a Lamborghini Murciélago, and a Pagani Zonda C12 S 7.3. Clarkson points out that the Noble M15 is much faster than the Noble M12 GTO-3R, yet they use the exact same engine. Hammond explains that the engine was mounted sideways in the M12, reducing the amount of room for the gearbox. The engine has been mounted length-wise in the M15, allowing Noble to put a custom gearbox in and use all that power better.

Star in a Reasonably Priced Car

This week's Star in a Reasonably Priced Car is Ray Winstone, an English actor. Ray Winstone races the Chevrolet Lacetti around the test track in 1.51.4. Clarkson gives the lap time an "(H)" to denote the hot weather on the lap. They decided that hot days cause the cars to be slower.

£1,000 Van Challenge

The boys are given 1,000 GBP (about 1,800 USD) to buy a van and bring it to the Top Gear test track for a series of challenges. Jeremy Clarkson played it safe and bought a Ford Transit for 800 GBP (about 1,500 USD). James May purchased a huge LDV Convoy for 950 GBP (about 1,770 USD). Richard Hammond bought a small Suzuki Super Carry with about 900cc of power.

The first challenge for the boys is a quarter mile drag race to find out who has the fastest van. Hammond's light Suzuki easily pulls ahead of the pack. Clarkson and May's vans have the same Ford engine, but May's Convoy is much heavier than the Ford Transit. Hammond easily places first with Clarkson taking second and May a very slow third.

The second challenge is for the boys to load their vans, race to an unload area, and unload their van first. Some of the items to be transported include double mattresses, a chair, vases, works of art, and an illegal immigrant. Hammond has trouble fitting everything into his cramped Super Carry, whereas May pays his illegal immigrant to help put stuff in the back of his LDV Convoy. Meanwhile, Clarkson just tosses plates into the back of his Transit. May takes off first with Clarkson in hot pursuit. He parks his van right behind May to prevent him from unloading his things, so Clarkson places first. May pulls forward a bit to unload his things, but his illegal immigrant takes off running and he places second. Hammond eventually makes it to the unload area, with mattresses strapped to the roof and sides, and places last.

The third challenge is to get their van as close to the rear bumper of a lane hogger without touching; the closer you get the more points you get. Hammond goes first with Clarkson and May posing as the lane hoggers and using a laser to measure the distance from the bumper to the van. Hammond is able to get within 10.34 millimeters of the bumper. Clarkson goes second, but has trouble judging the distance from inside the Ford Transit. He tries to get a better view from hanging out the window, but hits the bumper. Finally, May has his turn in the LDV Convoy. However, the panel van is so slow that he can't catch up to the lane hogging car.

The fourth challenge is to change the driver's side door of their van in a race against each other. While Hammond and May get to work in removing their door in order to replace it, Clarkson borrows May's van to knock the door off his Ford Transit. Hammond is able to attach his new door first, Clarkson uses gaffer tape to attach his door, and May runs out of time.

The fifth challenge is for a thief to attempt to break into the back of each van. The longer it takes for the thief to get in, the more points they get. First up is Hammond's Suzuki Super Carry. After a minute attempting to gain entry, the thief gives up. Next up is May's LDV Convoy. The thief is able to get inside in 34 seconds. Last is Clarkson's Ford Transit. It takes the thief only 10 seconds to gain entry.

The final challenge is a game of cops and robbers around the Top Gear short circuit. Each of the boys is given a 20 second head start against a 1.6 L Vauxhall Astra police car driven by the Stig. The person who is able to stay in front of the police car the longest is the winner. Clarkson goes first, with his taped door falling off, but the Stig is able to stop him from reaching the finish line. Next is May and his LDV Convoy, which doesn't last long aginst the Stig. Finally, Hammond takes off in his Suzuki Super Carry, but he rolls it onto its side in the first corner and puts him in third.

Back in the studio, the boys have their points up on a board for the drag race, thief test, and loading race. For the tailgating test, each host gets a point for every centimeter under 10 centimeters. Clarkson gets -0.5 points, Hammond gets 9 points, and May gets -4,000,000 points. For the door challenge May gets 0 points, Clarkson gets 2 points due to his use of gaffer tape, and Hammond gets 3 points. For the police chase Clarkson gets 3 points, May gets 2 points, and Hammond gets 1 point. Adding all the points up, Clarkson gets 10.5 points, Hammond gets 20 points, and May gets -3,999,993 points. As a final challenge, the boys had to put a "man in a van" ad in the newspaper and they get a point for each response to their ad. May got no replies, Hammond got one reply, and Clarkson goes no replies. Hammond wins the challenge.

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